


Found in Translation

by theaceupmyownsleeve



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Attempted Breakup, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kissing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Moving toward a healthy relationship, No Sex, Pre-Book 2: Wayward Son, Simon Snow's Wings and Tail, Some Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward son, They finally talk to one another, but not that many, it fails though, resolved emotional tension, they're going to get therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26493181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaceupmyownsleeve/pseuds/theaceupmyownsleeve
Summary: Finally, FINALLY, Baz and Simon talk to one another.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 8
Kudos: 68





	Found in Translation

**Author's Note:**

> The entire time I was reading Wayward Son, I wanted to sit them down and make them talk to one another. So that's exactly what this is. Get my boys some therapy and fluff, stat.

Simon was lying on the couch, curled up in the smallest ball he could possibly manage with his wings, when it hit him. 

Penelope had left for the weekend and nothing good was on the telly, so there was absolutely nothing to distract him from the avalanche of thoughts filling up his head. The oversized sweatshirt he had dragged on four hours ago to cover up his wings with the intention of dragging himself out to Tesco’s was closing in on him, threatening to swallow him whole. 

The stale air of the apartment was suddenly too much, coupled with the tightening knot in his throat. He had to get out, had to _breathe._

Blindly, he lurched off the couch and banged open the screen door, not even bothering to check if his tail and wings were properly tucked away. 

The click of the door swinging shut behind him was hollow. Looking out over the street, at the people going about their own business under the fittingly grey evening sky, he felt just as trapped as he had been inside the flat. 

He clutched at his stomach, fighting the yawning pit deepening within his insides. How had it all come to this? For all the good he was, with his awful black hole spiral of bitter thoughts and the piss poor space he was wasting when Penelope could be roommates with someone better, he might as well be the Humdrum. A hole. 

Not to mention _Baz._

Simon’s vision blurred, and he sank down onto the stoop of his apartment, fighting tears. If he was going to cry, he wasn’t about to do it in the middle of the street. Wiping his eyes with the back of his arm, he tried to control his breathing. 

He was worse than the Humdrum. The Humdrum hadn’t made friends, loved ones and connections, only to fail each and every one of them beyond repair. Ebb was dead, Agatha was gone, and it was all his fault.

Hell, he was still failing Baz and Penelope. He couldn’t decide which he was worst at— being a boyfriend or being a best friend. Both hurt too much to consider. 

And he wasn’t even strong enough to end things with them. 

He gave a bitter laugh, muffled by the thick cotton of his sleeves.

Not that he _could_ end his friendship with Penelope. She would hunt him down and drag him back, no matter how many times he told her she was better off without him. But Baz? He would get it. Simon was certain he had seen it already, he _must_ have realized how easier his life would be without such a sad sack of a boyfriend.

God, he was such a burden. 

He tore his hands through his hair, hating how stringy his hair felt between his fingers. He couldn’t even take care of himself properly, and he was a selfish git for forcing that on the two people he cared about most in the world. A sob escaped his lips, and he hugged himself tightly, curling up into a ball—

“Simon?!” The familiar voice was uncharacteristically panicked. 

“Baz?” He wiped his nose on his sleeve. It was far too late now to hide that he had been crying. “What are you doing here?”

Baz held up a plastic bag, his eyebrows knitted together beneath his fashionable sunglasses. “Bunce sent me out for groceries. She figured you would need someone to fetch them for you.”

“She was right.” He laughed bitterly.

“Are you okay?” 

“Fine.” 

Baz hesitated, throat bobbing as he swallowed awkwardly, clearly at a loss for words. It was such a horrible feeling, them not knowing how to act around one another. 

Once, Simon would have known exactly what to say to make him feel at ease, done some stupid funny thing that would make Baz laugh, and his grey eyes crinkle at the corners… A sharp pang struck him in the chest. Now, it seemed like the only stupid things he did only served to make him and his boyfriend miserable. If he could call Baz that anymore. He certainly wasn’t the same person that Baz had fallen in love with. Simon was barely even a person anymore. 

“Er… Snow? Are you going to let me in? I have ice cream that needs the freezer.”

“Sure,” Simon mumbled, stepping aside to let him in. Simon’s thoughts grew louder, a maelstrom of accusing voices. If he still had his powers, he would probably have gone off by now, but now there was nothing to stop the rising tide of whispers. _If I really loved him I’d break up with him. It’s for his own good. I’m just being selfish. Crowley, look at him, Simon! He’s so perfect, bringing me groceries when I can’t get off the stupid couch. He deserves better. So much better._ He squeezed his eyes shut, realizing he was standing there staring at the back of Baz’s neck, underneath all that perfect dark hair. _He deserves someone who can appreciate him better, and will kiss him on that neck and tell him how perfect he is._

_Someone who can say ‘I love you’ without guilting him into staying with you._

He could almost hear Baz’s voice in his head. _Just rip the bandaid off, Snow._

“Baz?” He mumbled, his heart breaking already, sharp shards that pricked at the inside of his chest until he couldn’t help but look down, searching for some sign of a wound, some unintentional spell he had cast, just by saying Baz’s name.

_You don’t have magic anymore, idiot. Just do the thing. Do it for Baz._

“Baz, we need to break up.”

The grocery bag hit the floor with a thump and a crunch that Simon could barely hear.

“What?” Baz did not turn around, and Simon stepped in the door, hating how it swung shut behind them with a screech that sounded like knives to his ears.

“We need to break up, Baz,” Simon repeated. He had tried to say it louder, but the words would not come out as anything stronger than a whisper.

His boyfriend— Ex boyfriend?— turned slowly, his ashy face even paler than usual. “Simon?” He reached up to his face, his fine hands trembling, and pulled the glasses from his nose. The naked look of hurt in his eyes was more than Simon could bear. How much hurt could he possibly cause Baz?

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, burying his face in his hands. “I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for causing you so much pain.” 

“Simon, I… Look at me, Simon.” Gentle hands circled his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face. Baz gave a half smile, his grey eyes glossy. “I won’t pretend this doesn’t hurt, but if I was honest, I’ve been expecting it.”

Simon’s breathing stopped. Of course Baz had. Why wouldn’t he? He was a shell of his former self, a shell of a boyfriend, and what was keeping them together, when Baz had so many options? Boys, girls, non-binary mages. Crowley, he could get anyone if Simon wasn’t dragging him down.

“I know you’re not in a good place right now, Simon. I tried to be there as much as I could, but in the end…”

“I know,” he whispered. 

“I’m not good at emotions, no matter how hard I try. You need more than me. Someone who can help you, who can support you better than me.” Baz’s lip trembled. “Someone who knows what you need.”

“Wait, what?” Simon’s brain ground to a halt. What had Baz just said? 

“God, I don’t know what to say. I’ll still be here, I’ll still be around, but…” He sucked in a breath, pushing his fist against his mouth. “Jesus, Simon, I…” 

Simon took a step back, shocked to see tears welling up in Baz’s eyes. “Baz, that’s not why I’m breaking up with you! You’ve run yourself ragged for me and what’ve I done for you? Bloody nothing! You deserve better than me! My magic is gone, and my mental health has gone down the toilet, and you and Penelope have been hauling yourselves all over town trying to fix my wings, and my moods, and I’m not good for anything but sitting in this stupid flat feeling sorry for myself!” He grasped at Baz’s shoulders, hating himself for the way the vampire jerked beneath his touch. “You deserve someone who can look you in the eyes, right now, and promise that they’ll get better someday. Crowley, you deserve someone who doesn’t have to get better someday, because they’re strong enough to go through hell and back with you and be strong enough not to break apart in your hands!” He looked away, unable to meet Baz’s wide eyes, his mouth open with shock at Simon’s sudden outburst. “That’s why things have been so awkward, isn’t it? You know it, and you know I know it. I was just too selfish to end things earlier.”

“Um… No? No!” An edge of anger sharpened Baz’s voice. “Things have been awkward because I’m shit at knowing what to do for you! You deserve someone who knows what will help, and what will hurt, instead of being a reminder of what you’ve lost all the time. You know it, and you know I know it!” 

“Wait, what do you know I know?”

“I don’t know what you know!” Baz stepped away, throwing up his hands.

“Well, I don’t even know what _I_ know!” Simon snapped, unable to stop the tears pricking at his eyes as they began to stream down his cheeks, burning hot. “Because you know…” He trailed off, sniffling into the palm of his hand. “You know I love you and I want what’s best for you. And if you’re better off without me, I would rather you be better off.”

“Simon, I don’t want to be better off,” Baz growled, eyes flashing. “Well, I do, but only because I’m better off when I’m with you. I don’t _want_ anyone else. Are we really both pulling the self sacrifice bullshit and pushing each other away? It’s like a bloody hallmark movie where someone overhears half a telephone call and runs off crying before they can hear the rest.” He bit his lip, searching Simon’s face with an earnest expression. “Is there any other reason you’re breaking up with me, other than to try to protect me?”

Simon shook his head, fixing his gaze on his shoes. “Is there any reason you think we shouldn’t be together, other than you trying to help me?”

“No.”

“Good.” Baz reached out a trembling hand to push Simon’s hair back from his forehead, and leaned forward to kiss away one of the teartracks smeared down his boyfriend’s cheek. “Bloody hell. We really should have talked before we got to this point.”

“We’ve been too anxious to kiss each other in months.” He offered up a shaky smile. “Is talking really what you want to do right now?”

Baz surged forward to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, the movement so sudden that Simon’s head slammed back against the screen door.

“Simon!” He pulled back immediately, covering his mouth with one hand. “I—”

“Baz, I swear if you apologize to me one more time I’m going to…” Simon flailed for a proper threat and failed. “Just don’t apologize!” 

“Fine.” He smirked, but his next movements were gentle, as he reached up to thumb away the wetness on the other side of Simon’s face. 

“Is it a million degrees in here or is it just me?”

“You’re still wearing that giant sweatshirt.”

“Right.” Simon reached up to pull it over his head, the cramped muscles of his back protesting at being confined for so long.

His boyfriend grinned. “Now I can hug you without worrying I’m going to crush your wings.” 

“Crowley, Baz…” Simon shook his head, wrapping his arms around Baz’s waist. “I’ve missed your hugs.” He buried his face in Baz’s neck, sighing softly as the vampire stroked his hair. 

“Come here,” Baz murmured, “I’ve got you.” 

“I’ve got you too.” Simon’s mumble was slightly delirious. 

“No, I mean…” He chuckled, ruffling up Simon’s hair. “You were about to fall over, Snow.” 

“Then let me sit, damnit,” There was no malice to his voice, “I’ve become a bloody couch potato. Return me to my natural habitat.”

Sliding his cool hand around his boyfriend's waist, Baz let Simon keep his face buried against his shoulder as he led him to the couch. Simon had not felt this content in a long time. That thrum of anxiety was still there— God, he didn’t know if he’d ever be rid of it— but at least he hadn’t ruined everything with Baz. 

His boyfriend settled on the couch gracefully, pulling Simon down after him to lay on his chest. Simon took comfort in his unnaturally slow heartbeat, his arms still wrapped around the vampire’s neck. He was doing his best to keep from relaxing his body all the way, worried his wings would crush Baz, but he wanted nothing more than to curl up on top of him like a puppy. 

“Simon?” Baz mumbled softly, sounding just as sleepy as Simon felt. 

“Yeah?”

He reached out to wind one of Simon’s curls around his finger, his touch gentle. “I think you should give therapy another try.”

“It didn’t do anything for me, Baz.”

“Maybe not yet, but there’s got to be someone who can figure out how to wade through all of this trauma and fallout. I don’t care how long it takes. I want us to get better. I’m sure I have my share of mental crap, growing up a vampire. I’ll go too.” He sat up suddenly, sending Simon’s head flopping into his lap. “We could go together. Maybe couples therapy can help us work on our shit communication skills.”

“Hey! We don’t have—” Simon bit his tongue, the last five minutes ringing in his mind. “Nevermind.” He stretched up, spine arching, to rest his chin between Baz’s collarbones, staring up into his boyfriend’s face. How could he have let him go? The love in Baz’s voice, the gentle slope of his grey eyes… He loved him so much it hurt. 

“So?”

“Right. Yes. Therapy.” He bit his lip, mulling over the sessions from months ago that he had partially blocked out of his mind. “I really don’t want to see the same therapist I was going to. Maybe we could find another?”

“Sure. We can look together.”

“Good. I know I’ll feel better about it if you’re with me.” If therapy could help him and Baz find more moments like this, and less anxiety about what they did and didn’t deserve, Simon was all in. Except… “I think I’ll need some motivation.”

Baz blinked. “Motivation? What do you mean motivation?”

“What about that kiss I asked for earlier? Is that still on the table?” He fumbled for Baz’s hand and gave it a soft squeeze. “Only if you want to. I won’t push you into it if you still need time. I don’t really need a kiss to get myself to therapy, I—” His jumbled words stopped suddenly as Baz flipped him over onto his back, pinning his wings to the couch cushions.

“Only if I want to?” Baz gave a lopsided grin, his eyes on Simon’s mouth. “Of course I do, Snow! I haven’t kissed you in months, and you think I wasn’t missing it as much as you were? Tosser.” 

“Then put your money where your mouth is.” 

Baz groaned aloud. “That sounds like a spell.”

“Yep. I’m casting it. It’s a kissing spell. It’s compelling you to come down here and kiss me.”

“Well, consider me compelled,” he smirked, bending to press his mouth to Simon’s. 

Simon sighed at how soft his lips were, tangling his hands through his dark hair. Baz’s cool hands stroked over his cheeks, soothing his anxious thoughts away. He pushed closer, and Simon could feel his sharp teeth descending just behind his lips, but the feeling of safety in his boyfriend’s embrace never wavered. Of their own accord, his wings wrapped around Baz, pulling him even tighter to him. He never wanted to let go. 

“You’re smiling,” Baz whispered, pulling away just enough to speak the words against his lips.

“So are you.” His breath hitched as his boyfriend dropped a kiss first on his nose, then his chin. 

“I just want to fall asleep cuddling you and wake up in the morning with you next to me,” Baz murmured, his head falling down to rest on Simon’s shoulder. 

Simon squeezed him tighter. “Is this okay?”

“Better than okay.”

Suddenly, Baz tensed.

“What? Did I hurt you?” 

“No,” Baz groaned, “I just remembered I left the ice cream lying on the floor. Ugh, I don’t want to get up.”

“Then don’t.”

“But it’s probably melted into the carpet by now.”

“Then it can’t do any more damage than it already has done.” Simon carded his fingers over his widow’s peak, smoothing the soft strands back from his boyfriend’s worried face. “Besides, what’s the point of your magic if you can’t buy yourself extra snuggling time now and worry about it in the morning?” He pushed forwards to kiss Baz’s forehead. 

“You’re a bad influence, Snow,” he sighed, flopping bonelessly back down onto Simon’s chest. 

It was easy to drift off like that.

Simon still had nightmares. He could not remember the last time he had slept without them. 

But now, when he awoke at the crack of dawn, his heart pounding in his ears, there was Baz, breathing steadily against him.

Gently pressing a kiss to the top of his boyfriend’s head, Simon Snow drifted back to sleep.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This file is literally just called "Simon and Baz Talk" on my computer.


End file.
